Stuck Under the Surface

It was not long ago that I made a rather startling discovery.

Through all my brooding and anguish I didn’t really understand why people were reacting to me the way they were. Why didn’t they care or, see the change I was making? When I got worse or got better, people didn’t seem to notice. Eventually I knew I was more like, myself yet people didn’t treat me any differently. They still treated me like that mask I had been before. Were they insensitive? Was I not obvious? I couldn’t really tell then. But I had a revelation, one that has made me realize a lot.

Most people change on the outside when a situation changes. They’re, with their friends and they act this way, they’re with their parents and they act that way.

But I’m the opposite.

Apart from slightly magnifying certain attributes such as anger or, general flirtatiousness I remain essentially the same person on the outside. But it’s inside that I change. No wonder I couldn’t see it before, and no wonder others couldn’t either. I don’t change outwardly when my scenery changes, but inwardly. It’s like having, different levels. You have the air, then the water’s surface, then the water. It’s supposed to be, when the air changes the surface changes. Waves, ripples. But for me as the air changes the water beneath does and only that. But of course the water beneath doesn’t understand why the air doesn’t see it.

So the whole time I was changing, all the good that was happening was underneath. I wouldn’t be saying different things or, acting kinder but I’d be thinking kinder. Instead of inwardly rolling my eyes and thinking what an idiot someone was I would be kind in mind and heart. But outwardly I remained the same femme fatale, cold hearted person I always was. Could this be perhaps why people don’t think I feel deeply? Is this not so uncommon as I think? That one, changes their entire inner being daily, their true essence changes not their face. That I switch hearts, not expressions.

Its so, absurd and impossible but it seems to be true and would explain a whole lot. Why others don’t come to aid me, why they get angry and why they think I’m angry. What I express is not what I feel, though I may have thought I was expressing it all along. This was such an epiphany I swear it must be true. So what then, do I do? I have grown to love so much of myself. I don’t hate any of it I don’t think. But it’s the confusion that leads me to do things. Miscommunication with those around me leading me to feel abandoned. And where I love myself, portions of myself end up fighting for power. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m one thing or another.

The answer would then be of course that I’m many, complex but then is my vicious fighting within myself a part of myself? Is it a personality trait or something different? Who decides what’s a colour and what’s a texture? When I beg for help then don’t’ understand why people don’t know what to do who’s fault is it? I’m so confident in my abilities to help myself but it seems I haven’t been showing that by example. Which in turn will make others upset and turn them away, thus removing a very crucial part of my healing formula.

Hold it, tell it, understand it, let go of it.

Keep it in myself for a bit, vent to someone which will in turn let me understand it then deal with it myself. It’s perfect, works every time. But the lack of communication, the changing in current and not in waves is my downfall. One might see the calm surface of water and be swept beneath as soon as they go deeper or be hit by a tidal wave only to find the waters beneath incredibly calm.

But then there is the question. Do I want to change it? I love myself, I don’t ant to change myself. Is that a part of myself? Colour, texture…

Shade…