To Be Strong

What is it? Is it to, not feel, to get through anything or to be brave enough to feel everything? A hindrance, a help. People always associate me with strength. Why? Do I, not feel? Do I feel too much? How can I be associated with both extremes? It seems, odd to me. Emotional strength. They say courage is not the absence of fear but acting in spite of it. But would giving into it not be the bravest thing, since fear is much more painful? To feel pain… To allow yourself to fall into pain, perhaps that it true strength.

I don’t want to get better. I tell everyone that. I don’t want to be ok. It’s true, I don’t. But I’d like to not be… like this. So deep into it. I want to brood but not feel it to my core like I do. Usually I deal with emotions, am able to express them but not to the degree where it is too much. I can look sadness, fear and rage in the face and stay calm, be quiet, keep cool. Is that strength? It certainly gets things done, certainly removes me. Then people think I’m bad. When all else fails blame the one who isn’t crying. They must be the bad one, they must be at fault.

They must not feel as deeply.

But I’m always the one hurting the most. When everyone else is crying I’m always the one hurting the most. Is denying that and getting to the root of the problem, being honest strength? Would giving in be strength? Feeling emotion, acting in spite of it. It seems that’s what I do. But I’m the cold one then I suppose. Because I don’t care. I do care, I just don’t see the point in yelling out emotional things that could harm, not when I don’t need to. But then when I want to, when I want to go insane and yell things I don’t mean everyone flips out on me. Everyone gets offended, everyone cries so I can’t. Because no one is there to pick me up, no one is there to help. So I have to stay strong, stay cold. What’s left of my heart is freezing to a stand still…

How can people expect apologies to work? They’re words, words said only so things don’t get worse. They can’t make things better. Why do people think, that trying makes things better? You can try to stop a gun from going off, but someone will still end up dead. Then they get angry at me for being upset, for expressing that it doesn’t matter. They get angry at me for feeling. Because I’m not supposed to feel am I? I’m not supposed to be sensitive. And then when I refuse help, people give up at the drop of a hat. Could it be possible it’s hard to accept? Could it be I’m testing their loyalty because no one is ever able to help me? It seems no one has passed the test. No one has helped.

Unfeeling, feeling. Strength is, feeling but not causing big issues. Now I want to cause big issues. I don’t want to just toss a wrench in the works, I want to fucking light it on fire. I want to take an axe to it, to stick dynamite under its most sensitive spot and blow it sky high. I want to fuck it all up like everyone does to me. They betray me, yell at me and expect me to come back and be calm, to not get emotional. I don’t care anymore. If they care they’ll come back, if they don’t fuck them. They never loved me anyway. I say it but I know I won’t hold out. My heart leads me for I have no one who will accept it and take care of it. My poor heart, so sick of beating continues to lead me out of sheer determination for it’s own death. For we both know the path we walk leads to destruction, and as my mind tries to convince it not to care it continues to lash reigns at itself.

Longing for death and trying to create it are different things. I long for my heart to stop, but I won’t stop it myself. I am too kind for that, I know those who would be hurt because of it. So I will suffer this way. Hope will continue to seep into me for I know nothing else, for I am strong enough to let it, I am strong enough to feel hope even in the darkest places. But I hate it. I wish I was weak, I wish I could throw it all away. But my truest desire, to feel has become all I can live with. So I will continue as I am, regardless of pain. And no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to get rid of the hope…

You were the one to cut me, so I’ll bleed forever.