In Search of a Family

It’s the solstice today. A day of rebirth. That is supposedly something very, fundamental to my being. The, phoenix aspect of Scorpio and the essence of water. Rebirth. It is indeed something I feel close to. Endlessly, reshaping myself has become the norm and changing has become a personality trait rather then another aspect all together. When I realized that to change could simply, be a part of one self I felt far more, integrated, and the solstice may have helped me in this. Though this is not the core issue of this writing, I thought I might just give tribute, to our dear mother goddess, and all that she has done for us. May the birth of the sun be a gentle one.

Now, for the point.

Around now everyone is looking for family. It is Christmas time, holidays and whether you celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ or not, it is near impossible to not be effected by the shift of the collective unconsciousness to family oriented activities. Now many know my views on family. How I believe that blood is an excuse for holding someone to their word. But this is different, about a different kind of family. My kind of family. Where connection is based not on the blood in our veins but the love in our hearts.

I have never really been the type to give, hence my archetype being vampire at one time. But since then I have changed, mentally, physically, and in the soul to what I would like to think is a shape shifter. Since then I have done so much, and learned more. In this time I am compelled to remember those who I really care about. Not those I share blood with but those I love so deeply. I cannot show it, often, because my core personality simply does not work that way. I will not betray that part of myself, and hope that those I love understand that. But this seems a most appropriate time to at least in some small way, let them know that I am loyal, to the end. That I love far deeper then most, and as cruel as I can be I can feel infinitely deeper.

So what family do I have? Who makes up this, complex group of people? You could say family are the people you want to see most over the holidays but in that case my family is only a few percent made up of blood ties. Though there are some, such as my sister, my mother, father, godfather, great aunt and uncle that about wraps it up for blood. However there are others, others one would not tend to expect that I want so desperately to share my holidays with. This includes my employer, at the Italian club I work at. She has shown me such kindness, and we bond on a level that many blood family members have not been able to reach with me. Not only that, but the others who work at that club, the ones I volunteer with and have known since I was a child. Dare I say I care more for them then those connected by blood?

Yes, yes I do. And though I fear letting them know, though I fear telling them I love them because it may be deemed inappropriate or be unreturned, I do. I adore them, and I hope they know that they have made an impact.

Then there are the friends at my newer job. I don’t know what it is. Do I have an uncanny ability to fit in? Perhaps it is the shape shifter in me, that goal I’ve been striving for. Only a few months ago I was butchering receipts and standing awkwardly in the background and now we all laugh as if we’ve known each other for years. In this busy time more are on staff, and when three of us get together the talking, the laughing, the general care is, overwhelming. I might think on it more then they do, but to have such a new person fit so well into the click is rare. They have known each other for years, and yet I still feel just as much a part of them as any one of the others.

I feel so lucky, to have such love in my life.

And then there are the others, my siblings. My dear, dear siblings whom I care for more then they know I think. It is difficult for me to express, especially with our history and my role in the group but loving them comes as easy as breathing. Through, disagreements and different paths in life we have always returned to each other. It’s, uncanny, like we were meant to care for one another. When I am with them I can’t see myself anywhere else. I fantasize about the high life, about high class dining and being in the rich business industry but then I remember them and know, that I have a home. A home I would not give up for anything and though I might be the most, distant of us all I hope they know I will always come back in times of need.

I only hope that this love continues in my life, and that I can keep the wonderful things I have as I grow older. For I know such comfort is difficult to find in this world.

Have a happy, and blessed solstice.