Faith. It is what moves this world most. More wars have been fought over religion then anything. It makes many people do what they do, and even those who hate religion are moved by it. For the opposite of love is not to hate. Rather, they are brothers hand in hand. To search for a faith is to have faith already. You know in your heart that one day you will find it, for no one goes looking for what they know, truly, they will never find. But what does a person find when they find faith? Have they already decided what they want to believe, but subconsciously think there has to be some great journey? Perhaps, for in the end will your god, goddess, your teacher or spirit know whether or not you are, in truth, faithful?
And so, the point.
Should a god or goddess not just… know? Shouldn’t they just know that you believe so much that you worry if they worry for you? Like a desperate tango I dance with my own faith wondering if my garb changes the dance at all. The rituals, the rites, the bread and wine, setting a circle, wrapping of the tallis, what does it all mean? Does it truly matter when your god should just, know? One has to realize what their real opinion is of the universe. No matter what everyone will hope and have faith in that hope. In the end, we all decide what we truly believe is behind death’s door. Books, priests, people can tell us all they like. Our dieing thoughts will always be different. So what do the rituals matter then, if they know you are faithful?
In order to know whether or not these things are necessary one must think of what they believe their deity truly is. Are thy vengeful, demanding? In my case I don’t believe so yet it does not stop the guilt of not being more, active. Being rather alone in my faith, the rituals in the basement of a modern house makes everything feel very, removed. Though I’ve felt it, felt her and know with all my heart she is there I wonder. Should I really be this worried? Am I doing these things out of guilt? I doubt she would want me to do anything that harmed myself, but a mere inconvenience? I feel, lazy and unfortunately that is exactly what I seem to be. In the distractions of electronics and my thoughts I find it hard to settle down and just, thank her. The occasional prayer, is not enough. To really take time out, to make the commitment of lighting the candles, blessing the altar now that is true thanks.
So I suppose I am saying that rituals are wonderful, but not necessary. Yet still there are certain feelings I cannot shake. Though I do not fear that she doesn’t exist, I fear that I have done some horrible thing in my life to deserve her wrath. I severely dislike faiths that are bred out of fear and yet, here I am. Though no one has placed this fear in me. It is self-induced, and thus all the worse. I suppose, in the end all I must do is try my best to be a good person. And yet that feeling still nags. There will always be little issues with what one believes. Things that, they don’t like about what a book says. They say my religion is an evolving one, malleable to suit your needs but the thought of that is a little, upsetting. People have been pulling and plucking from the bible for years. What if one were to ignore the charge of the goddess and pull the same stunts? What if one were to turn my religion on me, make me feel as if I am impure, unholy? I suppose I must believe what I do no matter who fights agent it, but an attack is always harder to deflect when it is from within.
Instead of building my faith I must search. I have found the core, yet there is so much yet to discover. Search for what I truly believe, and put it into effect. I do somewhat fear what I will find, but there will always be comfort in the truth.
It will be her decision in the end what happens to me, and if I have truly disappointed her I will accept any fate. For nothing, could be more painful than knowing I let her down.
In the end the rituals are more for yourself than for anyone else. Like you said, and like I believe, she just knows. But sometimes a physical manifestation of the faith is something we need. And I'm sure she doesn't mind it as well.
ReplyDeleteYour guilt might be a feeling towards yourself, rather than her. Meaning, you might not be satisfying some need within yourself, rather than not satisfying her. It all takes a lot of interpretation, some things don't come right away. It has taken me so long to see some things that now, seem to be as clear as the light of day.